If you're new around here then you probably don't know that I typically dedicate my Friday letters to anyone and everyone who's blown my mind up in the world during the past week.
No one is having a bigger week than Santa, so I thought I'd dedicate my entire letters post to him.
What's up big guy? It's me, Sarah. Here's a pic from better years to jog your memory
I know this is your busy season (obvs), but since you've been watching me sleep this past year (creep), I think you can take the time to listen to me for a bit.
You've been flooded with notes from all over the world asking you for presents that people want, but I think you can take the time to check my list twice and bring me some of the things I'm wishing for on Tuesday. You got it right with the "beddy bye Earnie" so I have faith that you can prevail again.
1. Driving lessons for the residents of Houston, TX.
I risk my life on the daily driving in this town. People go too fast, people go too slow, people are just idiots, Santa and I'm having a hard time dealing with it and maintaining my Christian values. Which brings me to my next item...
2. Patience for people who probably don't deserve it
I don't know if it's my old age or the fact that I just don't really care that much anymore, but people kind of do get on my last nerve. Just when I start to give up on humanity as a whole, there's one lovely Godsend shining bright like a diamond amongst the coal-people and my faith is restored. Thank you diamond-people, thank you.
3. A diet that works and doesn't make me want to kill myself
BREAKING NEWS: this girl loves to eat. And by eat, I mean don't eat anything during the day and then binge at night like Lindsay Lohan on a coke binder.
This is definitely the worst thing I could ever do if I'm trying to lose weight. Do I realize this, yes. Does this stop me, obviously not.
So Santa, be a doll and just make me skinny forever. Thanks.
4. A job that I actually enjoy
This is the big one, Santa. The one that's just too big to wrap. I'm putting all of my eggs in this basket (never understood that phrase btw) and counting on you to find me a job. That's how everyone else is doing it, right?
5. A money tree in the back yard of John and I's new house.
But not this one because it's terrifying
So Santa, it's easy. Just give me these simple things, and things will be cool.
And you want to be cool, Santa.
I'm counting on you; don't let this big girl down.