Tuesday, January 29, 2013

dogs: making smart people dumb since 30,000 BC

Most of my free time is spent watching my dog walk in circles, watching him fail miserably at being the  'dog park rapist' and picking up his human sized 'presents'...ifyouknowwhatimean.
What. A. Babe.
Some people don't understand the love I have for my dogs. 
I don't understand why you live-tweeted while giving birth... so I guess we're even.
After several years of pure unadulterated people watching, I've learned a lot about myself, about 'dog people' in general, and about people I don't associate with known as 'not dog people'. 
Here are some of my conclusions:
1. If you wear white to a dog park and a friendly dog jumps on you to do nothing other than reward you with kisses and say 'hello' and you scream and yell because "This is Ed Hardy!!!"... probably rethink your life decisions.
2. When talking to your dog, (let that sink in) it may be difficult to go an entire sentence without saying 'baby boy' or 'handsome man' or 'pretty pretty princess'... so I've heard. 
3. If you're a grown man and you're walking around with a dog that weighs less than the burger you just ate... I want to be best friends with you.  You're either a very secure man, or gay.  And I'd love to hang out regardless. 
4. I've seen two very logical looking adults jump into the Houston Bayou because they weren't sure if their Portugese Water Dog knew how to swim. 
A- duh
B- Why would you take him to the Bayou if you weren't sure he could swim?
ps. I would like everyone to know that I did control my laughter when I asked them what kind of dog they had after they came crawling out of the Bayou and they said "Portugese Water Dog"... I mean, really?
pps. the dog did, in fact, know how to swim.
ppps (too much?). You may also recognize this type of dog as the Bo Obama (or Bobama as I like to call him) breed. 
You do you, Bobama.
5. You may find yourself dressing your dog in better clothes than you are dressing yourself in at the moment. 
6. See that last bite on your dinner plate? Get a dog and never enjoy that last bite ever again. 
7. So you enjoy sprawling out in your bed and sleeping in whatever position you please? I'm sorry...so does your dog, and his beauty sleep matters WAY more than yours.
oh, and please make sure you allow them to get at least 18 hours of sleep a day or they'll be just too tired to function.
8. I don't know if this is just me, but Cash is the sole reason I get up and run in the mornings... so get a dog and stop being obese. 
9. Everyone says "dogs love you unconditionally" "dogs do not judge"... I beg to differ... Look at the judgement I get on a daily basis
I'm just over here trying to do work so I can provide for you and all you can do is sit and stare at me with this face.
So much side eye. 
Finally... I've never loved something so much that never talked back to me... except that JTT poster I had in the 6th grade.  
Dogs are wonderful, they'll make you stupid, but they'll always be there for you when you need them to put a smile on your face and you've gotta love that.



Jen said...

I LOVED JTT. Way too much I think. There is nothing in this world better than having a dog...or two or three =)

Anonymous said...

Your pups are way too cute! Dogs are definitely pretty dang wonderful - I love my two mutts :D

Kathryn said...

Aw so sweet. I love it!

Lauren said...

I love this post! My Harper is the sweetest little thing ever! Even though there are times I want to beat her tail, I love her dearly!

Staci said...

You had me at "dog park rapist"

Can we be best friends?

Cash is a black lab right? Charlie is 7 months old (today!) & he is 42 pounds. I'm terrified about how big he's going to get. But at least he will keep real rapists away.

Also, I think you could shorten #1 to just say "Ed Hardy...probably rethink your life decisions"

Jessica @ Here(and)Now said...

Oh my gosh I was nodding my head and laughing the entire time. I am not only a dog LOVER, I am a dog FREAK. Sure your human child is cute, whatever whatever, but when I see a dog I am all like, "Oh Ma Gawwwwd, can I PET it, it is sooooooo cute" Followed by strange noises. Doug IS my biological child, don't try to correct me on this!